Jay, my son, is a typical child, at least that’s what I tell myself. One minute everything’s fine, and the next, all hell breaks loose. Sometimes I have no idea what happened, all I know is that he’s gone from smiling and happy, to a monster in boy clothes.
Fortunately, over the last few months we’ve been able to reduce the times he loses his cool, and when he does he’s no longer the monster he was. How did we do it, I pretend to hear you ask? We talked to him and gave him alternative ways to handle his emotions. Part of which was the way we deal with him and what we say. Below are some of the phrases that my wife, SO, found from Psychologist Renee Jain, and that we have been trying to use when needed.
Instead of: Stop throwing things!
Say: When you throw your toys, I think you don’t like playing with them. Is that what’s going on?
This has given Jay a chance to see it from our perspective, and also to allow him to tell us what’s wrong without us attacking him, which would normally just make matters worse.
Instead of: Don’t hit!
Say: It’s OK to be angry, but I won’t let you hit. We need to keep everyone safe.
This has taught him that it’s okay to get angry, but he has to think about how he handles it. He has started to separate himself from others when he feels that he might get violent, and spends time alone until he calms a bit.
Instead of: That’s it, you’re getting a time out!
Say: Let’s go to our calm down space together.
SO is the one who’s had the most luck with this one, sitting with him and talking to him, or just sitting in silence while he calms. Quite often though he seems to prefer to do this by himself.
Instead of: Brush your teeth right now!
Say: Do you want to brush Elmo’s teeth first or yours?
Okay, Jay’s a little too old to fall for brushing his toy’s teeth first, but we have found that giving him an alternative gives him control of the situation and he does it as part of his routine. For example, “Do you want to go to the toilet first, or brush your teeth?”
Instead of: Stop yelling!
Say: Can you say that in your normal voice?
The article above gives a different option for yelling, but SO and I have found this works quite well. Just the act of saying what he wanted to in a normal voice seems to help him a lot. Another option is to raise your voice to match your child’s and then lower it as you speak. In most cases the other person, whether it’s a child or adult, will follow and lower their voice too.
There are quite a few more examples on the page linked above, and are well worth going through and see what does and doesn’t work. All children are different after all and what works for one doesn’t always work for others. We just need to find the way that works best for our little ones and then be consistent with it.
What are some things that have worked for you? Let us know in the comments below.
