I’ve always had a bit of a reputation as someone who is calm and patient, especially with kids. Other people’s kids at least. See, once my son, Jay, came along, that all seems to have changed. No longer am I the person who could put up with whatever might happen. My inner Hulk seems to be constantly looking for excuses to raise his ugly head, and the yelling starts. Fortunately, for both Jay and myself, I’m starting to learn to tame that monster, and I wanted to share some of the techniques I’m using to do that.
This hasn’t been easy. It involves a lot of self-awareness. But it is something that I think is worthwhile. After all, it’s through my actions and behaviour that Jay will learn how to act as he grows up. I am his primary male role-model, for better or worse, and I want to be the best I can be. So whatever I need to do to achieve that, I’m going to try my best to do it.
I should also note that this information comes from experts in the area. It’s not something that I’ve come up with myself. Rather it’s come from reading what a lot of psychologists have found through their studies of anger and human behaviour.
So, here we go then. The first thing to do when we start to get angry is to focus on our emotions. The problem is, most of us aren’t taught how to deal with our emotions effectively. We’re told to calm down and relax, or to distract ourselves from the emotions. This stops us from dealing with the emotions in an effective manner.
A better way is to acknowledge and recognise the emotions for what they are. This allows our brains to deal with them and helps to reduce the chance of an outburst.
Another technique is to focus on where in our bodies we feel the emotion. For example, we tend to feel anger in our upper bodies, ie. our head, shoulders, arms, and upper torso. By being aware of where the emotions are affecting us, we can acknowledge them and help in dealing with what we’re feeling.
The next thing to focus on, is our thoughts. Often, and I speak from experience, yelling is preceded by angry self-talk. In other words, the things I yell are things that cross my mind moments before yelling them.
The problem is, these aren’t things I would normally say, or want to say to Jay. They are a reflection of my emotions getting the better of me. Of course, this just leads to guilt and regret, and I have to apologise for saying them. The problem is that once they’re said, you can’t take them back, and can dwell in our kid’s minds for a long time to come. Wouldn’t it be better to just avoid that all together?
Most of us are taught that these types of thoughts are bad, and we should reject them. This has the same affect as pushing down our emotions. Instead of dealing with them, we push them aside so that they’ll come back later stronger than ever. A better way is to just let them come, and watch them go. The same way we watch cars pass us on the road.
When we let these thoughts go merrily on their way, they’re gone, and in just a few moments, we can focus on forming meaningful and helpful thoughts. If it’s suitable, we can also make a record of these thoughts, by writing them down or even recording ourselves saying them. This can help us to learn how we think in these situations, and can adapt our thoughts over time, so that these harmful thoughts no longer appear. Or at least not so much.
The last thing to do is to act. The next time we find ourselves in one of these situations, take a moment to feel the emotions, and think those thoughts, and then don’t react to them. Let them go on their way, and respond in a thoughtful manner. Our children will be all the better for it.
Do you have any tips for dealing with anger? I’d love to hear them in the comments below.