From the moment we bring our baby home from the hospital, there’s crying. At first it’s simply a process of discovering what they need, a change, food, sleep. But over time the reasons our kids cry change and develop. When they cry it may be because they’re sad, angry, scared, anxious or even happy. How we respond to them is important both in stopping the crying and to help them to develop ways to deal with the emotions in the future.
One of the things we shouldn’t do is to tell them not to cry. I know I’ve done it, and in retrospect it’s counterproductive. What we’re doing when we say, “don’t cry,” is that we don’t understand or don’t care about them. It may seem to them that we’re saying their emotions are invalid or unimportant. Even if the reason seems trivial to us, it’s not to them. Plus it takes away an opportunity to help them deal with their emotions in a helpful manner. This can have ramifications for a life time.
Another thing that I know we all do, is to try to distract them. How many times have we picked up a favorite toy and held it in front of their faces hoping it will stop them from crying? Sure, if they’re crying because they want to play with the same toy as their sister, it may be appropriate to get them to play with a different toy. But if they’re crying because of another reason, it’s more likely that trying to distract them will only make it worse. It’s much better to help them find ways to deal with the situation in the future.
So what do we do? First we need to make sure that we’re in the right state of mind. If we’re upset or frustrated, we’re not going to be able to help them. It’s much better to take a moment and calm down, and then deal with our little one’s tears, than it is to rush in and do it wrong.
Once we’re ready we can focus on them through using empathy and acknowledging their emotions. Try saying, “I understand you’re sad (or angry, or frustrated), and that’s okay.” This lets them know that what they’re feeling is normal.
If they’re frustrated with something they’re trying to do, ask them if they want you to help. Alternatively they may want to take a break, or just need a little encouragement to try again themselves. By asking them and giving them the options, we’re empowering them and giving them control over the situation.
What about when you don’t know what’s wrong? Ask them. Simply say, “I know you’re crying, but I don’t know why. Can you help me understand?” This simple act shows that you care, even when you don’t know what’s happening. It reinforces that you do care about them and do want to help. Even if they have trouble explaining, it will give them good practice and will help them develop their language abilities in the process.
Sometimes all we can do is to give them physical reassurance. Just holding them, hugging them quietly can do wonders. By doing this we’re giving them our strength and protection, letting them know we care and will do what we are there to help them.
There are probably plenty more things that we can do in these situations, so if you have any suggestions, please let us know in the comments below.