I’ve talked before about what to do when a child gets angry. How to deal with it and what to say. If you want to check it out, you can find it here. Today though, I wanted to talk about preventing our kids from getting angry. First I’ll show how it works, and then we’ll talk about how we got to that point.
It had been a long day for Jay, my son. He’d started the morning with a tuition session. It was only two hours. Normally he’d come home afterwards to play games and relax at home. Perhaps he’d have lunch out first, but not always.
This time though, he wanted to go ice skating. It’s something he’s done a couple of times and he really enjoys it. So my wife, SO, and her niece took him for a couple of hours skating. After that they had dinner and were getting ready to come home.
This is where things normally would’ve gone awry. Jay was tired and starting to get upset. Instead of allowing himself to reach that point, he stopped, turned to SO and told her, “I’m falling into the hole.”
That was the signal that told her she needed to bring him home before his temper flared. So they headed home and lived happily ever after. Well, the day didn’t end in tragedy anyway.
How did we get to that point? I’m glad you asked. And even if you didn’t, I was going to tell you anyway.
A few weeks earlier, SO decided to talk to Jay about his temper, but at a time when he was calm and relaxed. The idea was to prepare him, so that when he felt like he was going to lose it, he’d have a way to deal with it.
So she told him about a hole, and that if you fell into once it’s a bad thing. If you continued to fall into after you knew it was there, that would be worse. The hole of course is when he loses his temper.
His response was that he’d fill in the hole. The problem is that this hole can’t be filled in, no matter how hard he tries, or what he tries to fill it with, it’s always there.
Once we got him to accept that the hole was there, then we had to help him find solutions for avoiding it. It’s no good if we just tell him what to do. What we need to do is let him find the solutions, so that he owns it and wants to do it.
One of his solutions is mentioned above. If he’s out and starts to feel that way, which happens especially when he’s tired, then he should tell us and we’ll take him home as soon as we can. Another solution, if he’s home then he can go and sit alone and calm down. Since he’s quite often triggered by tiredness, lying down and maybe having a nap, or at least resting, can help too.
I think the main thing though, is to find those triggers. What is it that makes our kids angry? Is it tiredness, like Jay? Or is it a sibling’s behaviour? Maybe something else? The point is that we need to identify it, and then help them find ways to deal with it. Because when they lose their temper, it’s too late, and us parents don’t always see it coming. Getting them to be prepared and ready to act when they start to feel that way, is going to make all of our lives better.