I got home exhausted the other day, Jay had made a mess. He was refusing to do his homework, and hadn’t showered. All he wanted to do was continue playing. He refused every request I made, no matter how I asked him. He was just in that mood where he will contradict everything that’s said to him.
So I start shouting, raising my voice, because I couldn’t think of anything else to do. At least, that’s what I would have done in the past. I know it doesn’t work, but there comes a point when you’ve tried everything you can think of, and it’s the only option left.
Now, though, I make a conscious effort to keep my voice calm and relaxed, and talk to him like a human being. It doesn’t always work. In fact, it rarely seems to work for me, but my wife seems to have quite good luck when she does it.
So what is the problem with yelling at our kids? Other than the fact that it can lead into verbal abuse, it just doesn’t work. There’s been a fair amount of research into it in the last few years, and the findings are surprising.
Firstly, it can affect how the brain develops. When we talk to our kids calmly, they’re reassured and feel safe, and the brain responds by building in a way that helps them calm down. On the other hand, when they’re yelled at, the brain responds by telling them to fight, run away, or they may just freeze. Over time these reactions will form permanently and create further problems for them in the future.
Secondly, it’s not effective communication. Many of us have been there and know what happens all too well. When someone shouts at you, your brain shuts down. Whatever it is they’re trying to say is lost, because we stop paying attention. This happens with our kids too, they may seem to be paying attention on the outside, but inside they’re closed off and honestly have no idea what we’re saying.
Another problem is that it can be downright scary for a young child. As parents and hopefully mature adults, we’re supposed to be loving and caring, their protector, someone they can have ultimate faith in. But when we yell, we’re putting them in a scary place, their faith in us is broken. They no longer feel safe and protected, they lose their trust in us.
Lastly, it normalises yelling. By shouting at our children, we’re telling them that yelling is a normal means of communicating when we’re angry or upset. This is a problem, because most of us know that it’s not normal. And, as mentioned above, it actually prevents effective communication.
So, what do we do instead of raising our voices. We do the exact opposite, we remain calm, or as calm as possible, and attempt to communicate in a calm reassuring manner. I’m the first to admit I don’t always succeed, so in those instances, rather than raise my voice, I’ll separate myself until I can talk to him calmly.
Another piece of advice I recently came across, is to use humor at those times. I intend to try it the next time I’m in that situation, but I’m hoping it’s going to be a while before I need to.