If you asked five different people that question, chances are you’d get five different answers. The funny thing is they could all be wrong, or all be right. Even if most adoption workers claim the best time to tell your child they’re adopted is between the ages of 2 and 4, I personally think this is a question that the adoptive parents have to answer for themselves.
Why? Simply because a lot of the way that the child reacts to the news is based on the parents comfort level in having that discussion. If the parents don’t handle the topic positively, this can rub off on the child and they will receive a negative view to the news they are adopted. Even if they don’t comprehend what adopted means, they can get negative connotations to the word.
Of course, if you have a very strong negative reaction to telling your child they are adopted, perhaps you should reconsider the decision to tell them. That could lead to other problems of course, and I have discussed this question elsewhere.
Before telling our children that they’re adopted, I think we have to be totally comfortable talking about it and prepared for whatever questions our kids may have regarding the adoption. Of course they may not have any immediate questions, and if they are very young probably don’t fully comprehend the situation or can’t form the questions they want to ask. But the questions will come and I think we should be fully prepared and comfortable in answering them.
There’s no point in telling them they’re adopted and then refusing to answer other questions about it. Or avoiding questions that may be uncomfortable. Think about how you will tell them why you decided to adopt. Or questions about the birth parents, why did they give up their child? No child wants to hear that their biological father is in jail and their birth mother is a drug addict. Try to answer truthfully, but positively. Say they weren’t in a good position to raise a child. Be prepared with something that is honest yet positive.
In the case of our son we don’t really know anything about his biological father, and his birth mother was to young and poor to raise him. We’ve always been honest with him about this and whenever he’s asked questions, we’ve told him the truth. We started this when he was very young and I feel it was the right decision. Occasionally he will ask something about it, but it becomes rarer over time. And he seems to have accepted it as just another fact about himself. He has no hangups about it and is a well rounded normal 7 year old boy. He know he has 2 loving adoptive parents and he loves us back, and that’s the most important thing.